Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
