I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
