I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
