I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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