I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
