It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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