I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
