Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
