as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
