god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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