i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
