I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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