I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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