the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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