she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
This is the high leading the old right now
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
