hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
