i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
