Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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