I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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