I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
