I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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