Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize