so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
