Sorry, I don't speak sober.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
