On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
