tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
