I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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