i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
