I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
