the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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