I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize