my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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