Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
