you guys were way drunker than both of me
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
