ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
