this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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