I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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