This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
