??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
