Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
