I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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