my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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