Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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