i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
