I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
