Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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