Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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