I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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