just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
COCAINE IS GR8
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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