I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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