i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
