Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize