your thong is hanging out like whoa
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
