If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
