theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
