Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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